Having a lonely day

Today is a bit rubbish... I couldn't sleep at all last night. There was no particular reason for it, I was just tossing and turning. Today the weather is grey and depressing-I cant believe what a miserable summer we've had weather wise. I think we had our summer in April this year!

My boys are with the ex, and baby is a little scratchy and irritable today. Bf is still away (though he said that he might try to come home tonight if his flight lands in Birmingham on time, and he's not too tired to make the drive home). I am longing to see him, and really hope everything goes to plan as I really feel like I need a big hug today.

Every now and again I get a day like this, where a number of factors come together to make the day less than cheerful. Then I start to let my mind wander to stupid things... Like why hasn't Bf popped the question yet? This is one that keeps bothering me recently. I have talked to a few girlfriends about it recently, but have luckily managed to successfully repress it from passing my lips in front of Bf any more than once.

I feel so happy and content in our relationship now, and I trust him again. I actually wake up every morning with a feeling that I couldn't want for much more in life. I never imagined that a man would actually make me as happy in life as he does, or that things would still be so great after this period of time (somehow I always thought that passion/lust died after a year) but obviously I just hadn't met the right man. I honestly feel like I've met the man of my dreams and I'm lucky enough to be with my soulmate; so why doesn't he?

Surely if he reciprocated these feelings then he would have asked? If I knew for example that he was not a man who believed in marriage at all; then it would not phase me, and I would be content with things as they are, and happy to continue this way. However I KNOW that he does believe in marriage because we've discussed it. When we first met, I was understandably a bit down on the whole notion of marriage, and was sceptical that I'd ever want to re-marry. He would say to me that he firmly believed in it, and that if he ever had a child, he would wish to be married. He even once told me that he one day wanted to marry me. So what's happened?

Baby was not planned, so the whole marriage before kids thing was a non-starter; and at the moment we are saving every spare penny we have for the extension we want to build, so if he were to ask, its not like we could afford to do it within the next year, but it doesn't even seem to be in the back of his mind...

It makes me feel inadequate, and more than a little insecure. I know he would never ask THE QUESTION, unless he were utterly convinced, and yes, it has been a massive period of adjustment for him... Although he stayed with me most of the time at my house with the boys, he was never ultimately responsible financially for any of us. He also had his little flat near Gatwick as a bit of a bolt hole if things had become too much (which was never the case) but it was probably a bit of a security blanket for him. In his mind, I think it enabled him to still feel like a care free bachellor to some degree.

I suggested at the time before I moved here with him, that we leave it until after things had settled down before we moved into a house together, because I didn't want to put any unneccessary strain on our relationship by doing it all at once; but he was pretty insistant. He said that he was adamant that he did not want to be doing the long commute to and from work to mine over the summer months, and he simply didn't want to be a long distance daddy. In the end it was almost an ultimatum: move in with him, or risk losing him. The choice was a no brainer for me.

So I sold my property, but as time was of the essence he had to buy this place before mine could be sold. He got a great deal with the mortgage on a rate secured for 2 years. I could not have 2 mortgages, so I would not be on the mortgage for at least 2 years. We needed the money from my property to carry out the building work for a much needed fourth bedroom, and towards the deposit. I was able to release a good portion of the equity from my house prior to selling towards the deposit. The rest would go into savings until the building work could be done.

He has struggled a great deal with the changes at times, because he has gone from being essentially a bachellor with a good income to blow on boys toys and only a studio flat to maintain; to being a father of three with a partner who he must now support, and a three bedroom house that needs an extension building onto it... Naturally, he's bound to have his wobbly moments.

So here I am, about to plough everything I have, into a property that is not in my name. I have his 4 month old baby, but I have no real commitment from him (ok yes, we have a baby) but if he were so inclined (which I do not for one second believe he is, or could be), but if he were, he could leave me in the situation of being the single mother of three, with not a penny to my name, nowhere to live, and no job. I am such an independant person normally, so I hate having to depend on him the way I now do.

It would just be nice to know that he didn't have any doubts niggling away at him about us; or whether the stories and views and marriage ideology he encounters in his working life are causing him to question the whole concept of marriage in general, in which case, how else are these ideas jading and corrupting the man I love?

I have days when I sit pondering what it would be like to have the rug pulled away from beneath me in this way, and it honestly makes me shudder. I wonder just what it would take from me to gain this commitment from him. When I did bring it up (just the once) he said that if I didn't have the boys already, then we would probably be married by now. This is slightly hurtful, though I know he didn't say it to hurt me, and was simply trying to be honest (brutally honest); which I respect, even if I don't like the truth.

The most frustrating part of it for me, is that my own destiny is not currently in my control. He will either get to grips with it, and then he may pop the question... Or (after God only knows how long), he realises that he cannot cope with the fact that my boys will never truly share the relationship with him, that he shares with his daughter, and decides that he canot continue with this relationship; and where does that leave me?

I just wish I knew what he was REALLY thinking, and what his true intentions are.

What a day!

Well today (or yesterday now as it is already 1am) has been very eventful. I have started a diet this week, in a bid to shed some of my baby bulge and I have lost 3lb (YAY).

Bf had to put in a bid about a month back, to state his fleet preferences (fleet and base) as the airline are making some changes, and are now over staffed on his fleet (Boeing 757/767). He was very keen to stay on his current fleet as it offers him amazing variety of work-in that he gets to do short medium and longhaul... The alternative was to move over to the 737, which is solely shorthaul, and since he's only been doing long haul for such a short time; he said that he would have been gutted not to do a bit more and 'get it out of his system' first (though I'm not convinced he ever will 'get it out of his system'.

Bf has been waiting impatiently to find the results, as have I, because it could have involved a base change; which having just moved here and become settled, we didn't fancy much. It has been slightly unnerving not knowing how stable the home situation is.

A friend of mine-who I met on one of the wifes/girlfriends of pilots groups online, was also in the same situation, as her husband works for the airline from the same base. We have been calling, texting and chatting online, and were due to meet for the first time this afternoon with some others.

This morning she texted me to let me know that her husband had been given the news that he had been changed to 737s; and she wasn't sure if they were staying at Gatwick. My heart was in my mouth; as I believed he was above Bf on the seniority list. Even though I knew Bf was in the air, I tried to call him to see if he'd heard anything yet (on the off chance that he was somehow delayed or not in the air), but his mobile went straight to answer phone (damn).

I texted my friend, asking her if she knew where her husband was on the seniority list, or how long ago he had started with the company. She texted back saying that he had started 22 months ago-(Panic stations! Bf only started 24 months ago, well 30, but only as an employee for 24)... We sent worried texts to each other throughout the morning and I didnt leave my phone alone the whole morning. Then in the afternoon she rang and said that he had managed to stay at Gatwick at least.

I sent texts to Bf informing him of all the details, and eventually got a call from him letting me know that he had scraped in (by the skin of his teeth) to keep his position in the fleet for at least another year at Gatwick. He (and therefore I) will have to go through all this in a year's time though.

Later we all met up in the Flight Tavern at Gatwick, the venue seemed appropriate as its right next to the runway there... Four of us from the online group met, one who I vaguely knew as her husband trained in New Zealand with Bf, and she had also lived out there with them all (brave woman).

We met at 4:30pm-and the time just flew! We had planned to stay no later than 8pm, but ended up staying until 10pm! It was such a fantastic evening, and I felt like I was meeting old friends rather than new ones. They were all such lovely and interesting and vibrant women, and it was FANTASTIC to actually be able to chat, giggle, compare and share stories (and yes also frustrations) with one another about the lifestyle.

It was truly refreshing to have an open conversation with someone who not only understood but also shared my perspective. It was almost theraputic, and in some way empowering to meet other women who identified with these same feelings and thoughts. We are all very different people, with very varied careers; but what was lovely was that they were all such intelligent, warm, genuine, open girls who obviously love their respective partners to bits.

I know for a fact that Bf is slightly insecure about my need to meet and discuss with other women the lifestyle we have because of him. I think a part of him thinks that we only get together to complain, and share our woes, and generally gossip and bitch about pilots, hosties and the airline industry in general! He got a little worried previously that I discussed his tendancy to be a bit of a control freak at times on a discussion thread. The truth of the matter is, that actually part of it probably was having a bit of a vent, but in a safe environment where others arent going to wonder why the hell I am with Bf... Also, on the whole it was more to do with having a giggle, and sharing similar anecdotes over a few drinks. I came away feeling like I had made friends that I would make a concerted effort to stay friendly with, which was great.

I wish Bf had an environment more like this where he could talk. I cringe at the thought of him talking to the captains about marriage, family and life with me, because so many of them seem quite jaded by it, and are sceptical of marriage and women. On the surface, you could almost be forgiven for thinking that a lot of them seem to be divorced, on a third marriage, or just working their way through the hosties one by one, from the stories you hear about their day...

Although, when I think about it more deeply; I believe more of them are normal, but that doesnt make for such a great story for him to tell me about at the end of the day-far less dramatic... Human nature is twisted like that. At the end of his day, when he comes home, if I ask him how his flight went and what the captain was like, if he says 'yes it was great, the captain was really nice' the rest is a bit BLAH... However, if he comes home and says something in the vain of 'the captain was a complete womaniser, who's shagged every hostie he can get his hands on, but he's married with kids, and generally thinks women are shite', my ears prick up and I want to hear every detail, and put the world to rights, just to be sure that he doesnt get jaded by it. Also to gain some reassurance that he doesn't empathise in any way with these excuses for role models. Its ludicrous really, but it's so much more memorable than 'yeah, great day, really nice captain, he has two kids and his wife does blah, and he seemed really normal' and you could be forgiven for attaining a somewhat exhaggerated or warped notion that all pilots of a certain age are just sleazy, untrustworthy slimeballs.

That said, I do think that todays First Officers, tomorrow's Captains, are a different breed. CRM courses are specifically trying to weed out certain behaviour patterns associated with the old boys behaviour trends, and the airline industry in general is a changing beast that allows less and less scope for this jolly boys outing mind set. Today its all about profit margins and shareholders, gone are the days of routine weeks away; and here today are the bullet trips to America with a single night stop over...

I have to believe that Bf will not become too jaded by this industry or become a carbon copy of his less desireable industry seniors, because the man I fell in love with is diametrically opposed to these behaviours.

Alone Again

Well, bf has gone away for another week or so, ho hum... No where exotic or anything, just to Birmingham to work out of there for the week...

His airline overstaff their larger bases like Manchester and Gatwick (where bf is based) and seem to run at a barely minimal operating level at the smalle bases, that way they can keep recruitment at a minimum, and simply ship out pilots from the larger bases to work at the smaller ones on what I guess should be a fairly rotational basis... Though I'm not sure if they are in fact terribly fair with it, as my bf seems to be away in smaller bases a hell of a lot...

This is a double edged sword. To some degree I do enjoy my own company, and my time alone... So far this week I have made use of the time to visit friends yesterday, have another one over today (with her baby of the same age as Bubble, my 17 week old). Tomorrow I'm visiting a Corn Maze with her, Lenny and her nephew, and my 3 munchkins...

On Saturday I'm meeting up with a group of other pilots partners from a Facebook group called 'Wives and Girlfriends (and boyfriends!) of Pilots' : http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2444761099 that I am a member of, which will be great,

I wanted to meet other females in the same life style position, because it can be challenging at these times. At the moment it's not too bad because I have lots of friends from my antenatal classes and post natal groups who are off work... However, in some months, most of them will be returning to work, as for most it is their first child, and its a case of needs must... But I have 3, and as bf is a pilot, I cannot go to do something part time, with the hope that he'll be around to look after them, because his roster is all over the place... Whilst childcare may be an option during term time; during the school holidays, it simply wouldn't be viable for me to go to work with the ridiculous childcare costs... Before I had Bubble, the childcare for my two little boys was already in excess of £1100 per month! I just couldn't earn enough to warrant paying it... The only option would really be for me to work from home.

Bf does get a lot of time off, more than most, but he works at least one day of the weekend more often than not, and this is the hardest time to be alone, because most 'normal' perople are busy with their own families and partners at this time, and are less willing to make time for you... This is another reason I wanted t make friends with women in this same situation...

My partner laughs at the fact that we all chat online to oneanother, and he and the husband of another wife in the group mockingly call us WAGS but it is so great to be able to chat to these other women, and share funny stories, similarities and also vent shared frustrations.

I find it frustrating when he's away for a week... Within the UK, its annoying because he'll ring me and say he's finished work (like today) at 2pm, but we cannot spend our time together because he's just slightly too far away... Then when he's away somewhere more exotic I get jeallous about the fact that he's away doing something I'd love to do for nothing too... Especially when he comes home with beautiful pictures saying he doesnt want to go there for a 'real' holiday.

I get friends asking me how I cope with knowing he's lying on a beach with possibly 10 hosties... To be honest, this is not really the issue for me... Its not that I dont care... It used to really bug me; he is drop dead gorgeous and I know that girls will almost ceratainly fancy him, but I do trust him.

There was a time when I didn't, because he went through a very touch time in our relationship as he started spending more time with me, where he was really unceratain about whether he could live with a woman and a ready made family, and during this time (a little over 2 years ago), he did send and receive a few inappropriate texts with 3 females he knew before me. He said that it hadn't seemed real to him, and that though he knew it was wrong, it was some form of escapism from the reality of the situation that he was getting into with me. I explained that since we met in a virtual world, and fell in love before we ever met physically, that to me, this was a very real way of betraying my trust.

It was a really difficult time for me and I almost ended the relationship over it at the time... But we talked through it, and the females in question spoke with me too, letting me know the answers to every question I asked, and quite happy to stitch him up after some of the things he'd said to me about them-so at least I knew that there was nothing more to it than texting. He even changed his mobile number so that I would not worry that they would contact him again... Its taken a long time to build the trust again, but I do finally trust him again. I still occasionally get my wobbly days though, and ask him for reassurance. It was just a bump in our relationship, and I know he wouldn't do it again. He knows that I almost ended it last time.


We had re-established the status-quo just as we discovered that I was pregnant last August, it was unplanned, and at the time an unwelcome surprise. We were both shell shocked, and neither of us was ready for it. At the time, although divorced, I was still in the middle of a legal battle with my ex over the property we had owned, so although the relationship was well and trully in the grave, there was a shadow of it still hanging over us somewhat. Plus we had talked about having children in the FUTURE, not the NOW! We had wanted to be married and settled first, but all of a sudden, the planning was taken out of the equation, and we had to decide in the NOW, whether it was the right time, even though the situation was already upon us, and we were no where near engaged or married!

We had to do a lot of soul searching to do. I already had 2 children, so it would have been sooo hard for me to terminate one, but with that, I also knew what a pressure they can put on a relationship if it's not ready for children. Bf was totally unprepared and in many ways too immature to be anywhere near the place where he would have decided to plan a baby. We talked logically in circles about the practicality (or inpracticality) of having a baby, and agreed to have a termination; but there was a chance that it was an ectopic pregnancy, and if that was the case, it would have removed any guilt from the situation... I had scans and many blood tests to let me know, and in the end, as it turned out, the pregnancy was healthy... The sonographer even gave me a picture to prove it.

That sealed our fate really, once we had been given a picture of our baby, we could no longer entertain the thought of not keeping it. A year later, and here we are, I sold the property I used to own, he sold his little flat, and we moved to West Sussex to be nearer to work for him... A fresh new start for us all, away from both our pasts, to build our future together as a family.

I love life here. I actually feel like a different person, even though I loved my career before, and my friends in the area I used to live, and had family nearby. I feel like whilst I was there, my past was hanging over me, haunting us both. Here, it seems like we have a monopoly on all memories past and future as being just ours.